J5:Duo 'helps' Relena
by Kaosu Buraindo
Summary: Duo has agreed to help Relena snag Heero, but is that really what Duo's planning? Relena bashing!


  
Hahaha, I love this one. I'm so mean to Relena, but she asked for it! How?...er...she just did, okay! Don't question me or I'll write a lemon about you and Dr.J. Hahahahahaha....*cough* alrighty than..   
Warnings: Relena bashing, Heero hating Relena. Some swearing (as usual, nothing heavy. No F word ^-^)Duo and Wufei working together (Very scary combination)   
Disclaimer: I don't own gundamwing, how many times do I have to tell you!?   
  
******   
  
January...something...

Hello! This is Relena peacecraft here! You'll never EVER believe what happened today! Maxwell finally cracked. I mean he finally realized what a wonderful person I am. I know, I know, you think I'm lieing. But who could help it? I'm just so charming and loveable. No wonder Heero loves me so much! Anyways, how do I know Duo came to his senses? Well, today he sent me a letter saying that he wants to help me snag Heero! Not that I need help, I mean, he's clearly already in love with me. But the more he loves me the better! Duo said that Heero would really go for me If I learned how to pilot a mobile suit. It sounds really hard, but I'll do anything for my Hee-Chan. I'm going to go over to Quatre's house (Not mansion, my home is WAY bigger than his, so it's considered a small house to me.)to start my training. When this is over Heero will want me for sure!...Err, I mean, He'll want me more, because he clearly already wants me.   
Relena. 

Dear Journal,

Hahahaha! I know I'm sneaky, I know that I can sometimes be twisted, but DAMN, today proved that I'm also mean as hell! I tricked Relena into thinking that I was going to help her with Heero. (Like she has a chance, PLEASE.)I told her that if she really wants Heero to love her, she has to learn how to fly a Mobile Suit. This might be true, but do you really think I'm actually going to TEACH her? Hell no! I've got big bad things in store for Relena, and you'll never believe who's helping -Wufei! He hates Relena as much as I do. Hahaha! Oh, this is going to be so funny, I'm gonna video tape the whole thing! When me and Wu-man are done with Relena, she's gonna wish she never even met Heero. Later!   
Duo. 

Today is the day,

Today I start my training! Right now I'm sitting in a small room in Quatre's house, waiting for Duo to come. Oh! He just came and- hey, what's that Chinese boy doing with him? He's going to help me also? Oh! Now they are all coming to their senses about me, I knew it was only a matter of time. Heero must have convinced them...oh, my love! I will learn how to pilot a mobile suit just for you!   
Right now they are taking me along a huge corridor. Man, this place is pretty scary, I wish my Hee-Chan was here with me right now. Well, they stopped at a door, the label has been ripped off. Weird. Just goes to show how poor this Quatre kid really is. Well, here I go, wish me luck!   
Relena.

Hehehe...

Oh man, I had to be knocked out because of how hard I was laughing! Today, phase one of "Relena Torture" had commenced, and it went without a hitch! Man, even Wu was crackin' up! You'll never believe what we did to her. First, we put her through some physical tests, you know, for endurance. We put her in that chair that you spin around really fast until that person feels like puking. Well, Wufei "accidentally" hit the Extra Fast button and Relena was going so fast that you couldn't even see her! Than the chair snapped off and Relena went flying through the wall...and the next wall, and some more walls after that. Oh man! You should have been there! When she went flying, all you heard was "HEEEERRrrrrrooooo...." Damn, I am GOOD. Wait, no...I'm BAD.   
Tomorrow, part two of "Relena Torture" will commence. This time I'm getting Heero to watch!   
Duo. 

I don't like this...

Yesterday went...well enough. I think I passed the test with flying colors!...literally. I think they put the speed up too high by accident, and I went flying. Those incompetent fools, they can't do anything right! I could have been hurt! Luckily I landed in a padded room. Wonder why that is there...Anyways, It doesn't matter. This time Heero will be there! I'll impress him by showing him how well I'm doing. And if Wufei and Duo screw up, all the better for me! I'll tell you what happens during my next training exercise.   
Relena. 

Oh man, they should lock me away!

Okay, you thought yesterday was good? Man, you should have been there today! It was me, Heero, Wu-Man and Relena in the training room. We made Relena go through an obstacle course! Relena was trying so hard to impress Heero! Okay, I'll go one step at a time and try not to leave anything out.   
First, we made her do something simple -the monkey bars. Of course, anything that simple HAS to be hard for Relena. I bet the girl hasn't even been jogging once in her life! Anyways, she gets up easy enough, grabs hold of one bar and -falls flat on her face! I couldn't hold in my laughter, I started cracking up. I mean really cracking up. I could tell Wu-Man was holding in laughter too. Heero just rolled his eyes at me, but I could tell he thought it was funny too. Relena, however, didn't think it was that big. She shook her fist at me and went to try again -and fell. This time Wufei started laughing too. Not as hard as me though -okay, he was chuckling and I was cracking up. Bite me, I find her amusing! Anyways, after about 20 try's she finally made it to the last bar. Only problem was, she was too afraid to get down. She begged Heero to come help her down but he stood in one place. Than she started crying, so to shut her up he went over there and offered his hand. Than, Relena said "Thank you Hee-Chan, It's good to see that at least someone around here has half a brain" and she glared at us. I was ready to kill her, Wufei was on his way to kill her, but Heero had a better plan. He took hold of her hand, and when she let go -he let go. She hit her face on the bottom bar, than tumbled over and landed on her back. Thats it, I couldn't hold it in, I was laughing so hard that I couldn't breath. Wu-man was laughing hard too. I mean he had to get support by leaning against the wall. Heero chuckled, he actually chuckled! It was a very small, very low chuckle, but hell I heard it! Relena than began to cry, so we had to take a small break. We'll continue the rest tomorrow. This should prove to be very entertaining.

Waahhh!

I can't take this anymore! Every time I do something...err...not as good, Duo and Wufei start to laugh at me! Heero didn't laugh though. I knew he loved me! Than when he tried to help me down, my hand slipped because it was slippery from all the sweat I had on my hands and I feel and banged my face on a bar! It was so humiliating. I'd never go back, but I'm determined to show Heero that I can do it. I also want to rub it in Duo and Wufei's face when I succeed. Tomorrow I'll really show them!   
Relena. 

Oh man, how much more of this can she take?

I gotta hand it to Relena, she just keeps coming back for more no matter how battered she gets. Today had to be the funniest shit I've ever seen. We made Relena go through the rest of the course. I'm talking wall climbing, grenade throwing, fence cutting, and piranha dodging rest of it! Heero was there again, I guess he thought the other day was as funny as I did.   
Okay, first it was the wall climbing. We had one rope tied to the top of a ten foot high brick wall. Can I just say right now that ten feet is nothing? I climbed way higher than that! Anyways, Relena spits on her hands -and misses them. That earned a chuckle from me. After she was done glaring at me she spit on them again. This time she held them closer to her face. She grabbed the rope, and started to climb. She got at least two inches off of the ground before she fell right on her ass. She cried out and started to pout, than she grabbed the rope again. This time she got a whole 4 inches off the ground before toppling backwards and landing in a pool of mud. I put that in before we started >=) Hehehe...thought she might need it, you know, for extra motivation.   
After about an hour of rope climbing, all Relena was able to do was climb one foot up the wall. So Heero and Wufei tied knots in the rope so she could use them as help to climb up. This time she got 3 feet off the ground without falling -after another hour. So after much deliberation we finally decided to just skip the damn wall. Me and Wufei were turning red from laughing so hard, and if it went on that way, Heero might actually start to crack up also. I think Relena was taking Heero's composure as a sign that he didn't find her failing amusing, and I guess she used that motivation to carry on.   
Next was the grenade throwing. Man, this was so funny that I almost had to be rushed to a hospital. We gave Relena three grenades. Her objective was to blow up a tank that was a good 30 feet away from her before it blew her up. Relena grabbed a grenade -and, well, threw it. Wufei than began to explain the process of removing the pin from the grenade and than throwing it. Relena nodded and shooed Wufei away. She picked up the second grenade, pulled out the pin -and threw it! She dropped the grenade to the ground, threw the pin at the tank and than looked at us, satisfied. To say we were panicked, wow, understatement. Wufei and I ran and ducked under a pile of rocks. Heero ran over to where Relena was, picked her up, and jumped behind the pile of rocks seconds before the grenade blew up. Me, Wufei and Heero all sat in a circle around Relena, glaring at her for all we were worth. You think she would get the hint that we were pissed? Oh no, she was too caught up in Heero saving her. She attached herself to Heero's chest and hugged him, saying things like "Oh Heero! I knew you loved me" and "Your so brave! You saved me!"   
I really couldn't take any more of this. I pulled her off of Heero and began to lecture the hell out of her. After an hour of me, Wufei and Heero yelling at Relena, we went on to the next obsticle -The get away. It was this fake prison scenery, with a huge barb-wired fence surrounding it. Her task was to somehow get through the fence without setting off any alarms. We handed Relena one wire cutter and that was all. Relena looked around to see if any guards were there, okay she started off good. Than she crept along the yard, trying to get to get to the fence. Than she saw a spotlight, and what does she do? She runs right into it and yells "Hey! You up there! Get me out of here immediately!"   
Man, was I ever cracking up. I ought to get her captured just to see what she'd do. Next, after Heero lectured her about AVOIDING the spotlights, she finally made it to the fence. She took out the wire cutter and tried to cut the fence. She tood there for a good 20 minutes, clawing and snipping and biting at the fence but she just wasn't strong enough to cut the damn thing. Wufei and I were rolling around with laughter and Heero was raising an eyebrow at Relena.   
We decided to skip The Get Away for now and move on to things Relena could actually have a shot at. Unfortunately, giving corny pacifism speeches wasn't one of the qualities a gundam pilot needed, so it wasn't on the To Do list. The next thing Relena had to do was swim under a mote, avoid being eaten by killer fish and bombs, and find the remote at the bottom. Than she had to blow up the base by pressing the button on the remote. Sounds simple enough, right? Heh, well, not for Relena it wasn't. She walked up to the edge of the water, looked at it, stuck a finger in it and than smelled the water. She scrunched up her face in disgust and utterly refused to step into the water. So, I..."helped" her get in. Basically what I did was shove her into the water. She screeched and landed with a huge splash. When she surfaced she started yelling at us, which just caused us to laugh harder. Than Heero finally convinced her to just get it over with. She dove under the water -and came back up with a fish attached to her rear. Heero went over to her and ripped it straight off, taking some skin with him. Relena yelped and started to cry. Than Heero pointed a gun at her and she dove under again. Than, there was a loud BOOM, a huge splash, and Relena was catapulted out of the mote. She flew through the air, screaming all the way, and landed in the mine area. Than all you heard was "*BOOM* Eeek! He-*BOOM* Ack! Heero! Co-*BOOM* Aaahhh! Someone he-*BOOM* Uwwaahhh! Help me-*BOOM* AAAAAAAHHHhhhhhhh..."   
We searched everywhere for Relena! We really did, but after she hit that last bomb she was thrown right out of Quatre's mansion. There's a hole in the ceiling to prove it. Heh, but my mission was successful, Wufei and I have never laughed so hard in our lives. We taped everything too! So Trowa and Quatre had a few good laughs as well. Wonder how Relena is doing...  
Duo.

Dear Journal...

That was the most horrible experiance of my life! No matter how much my darling Heero tried to help me, I just couldn't do any of the tasks! Now I'll never be able to fly a mobile suit.   
It was all Duo and Wufei, wasn't it? They rigged everything! That's why I wasn't able to do it! I mean, me, Relena Peacecraft, actually failing at something? When does that ever happen? Never, just as I thought. I'll get those two back, someday...right now I need to go back to the hospital. I'm in...well...bad shape. When I was blown out of the house I landed in a rose guarden. So now I've got scars from all the throns, not to mention everything else they did to me!   
Relena.


End file.
